Jokes...

[Triton]

Does anyone have any real good jokes they wouldn't mind sharing with us?I'd love to hear em.

[HAF]

Does anyone have any real good jokes they wouldn't maind sharing with us?I'd love to hear em.

You wanted it here it is : how to get out of a traffic ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
_________________
Please Note: No trees or animals were harmed in the sending of this contaminant free message We do concede that a signicant number of electrons may have been inconvenienced

[ScottyWazz]

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. Bartender goes, "We don't serve breakfast here."

[mccabe23]

Hockey Terms

Blueline-- Mark on ribcage from leaning over bar, replaying game.

Redline-- Mark on new sweater from leaning over Wet Paint sign at penalty bench.

Net-- The 25% which goes to winner of 50-50 draw.

Zamboni-- Machine used to fill arena with noxious, poison fumes.

Deke-- "The Enforcer"--leads league in PIMs.

PIMs-- Rating system for unskilled players.

Offside-- Hitting on the team owner's daughter.

Pass-- See Offside.

Score-- See Offside--Also see "Traded."

Rink-- Weekend hangout for parents.

Bodycheck-- Test rink boards, glass, for durability.

Slapshot-- Movie poking fun at Canada's national past-time.

Hooking-- What the gal in the thigh-length boots up in Section 14 does for a living.

Shoot-- What religious kids say after missing wide-open net.

#@$%&#-- What religious kids say after missing net in Week 2 of season.

Scoreboard-- Place for annoying company signs and logos.

Europeans-- Skilled players who refuse to watch Coach's Corner.

Play by Play-- Break between TV commercials.

Penalty Box-- Good place for TV close-ups of players mouthing the "F" word at each other.

[Fight Guy]

I have many, many jokes...but unfortunetly, they are all offensive.

[Tinner]

Did you about the guy who walked into a doctors office with a frog on his head?

The doctor asks "can I help you"

And the frog says "can you cut this wart off my a** (bum)" ;)

[Fight Guy]

Ok...I actually have a hockey one...


Mario Lemieux, Stevie Yzerman, and Wayne Gretzky were flying to a charity golf tournament. On the way, the plane crashed and they all died.

Up in Heaven, God said to Mario, "So, what did you do that I should let you in here?"

"Well," he began, "I gave my life to hockey, I did it for the fans and for the love of the game, and I gave to charities."

"Okay," God said, "you can come in and sit on my right." So Lemieux sits on God's right hand as He turns to Yzerman and says, "And you, Stevie, why should you come into Heaven?"

So Stevie said, "I too have given my life to hockey, I played my best for the enjoyment of the people, have also give to charities, and I was born in Cranbrook, B.C."

"All right, Stevie, you can come in, and sit on my left." As Yzerman moved to God's left, God turned to Gretzky and said, "And you, Wayne, what have you to say for yourself?"

"Well," Wayne said, "I believe you're sitting in my seat."

[Chipper]

Paul Martin is taking a stroll around Parliament Hill with a senior member
of the PMO when he meets a little girl girl carrying a small basket with a
blanket over it.

Curious, he says to the girl; "What's in the basket?". She replies;" New
baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him. " How nice" said Martin. "
What kind are they?". Little girl says,"Liberals"

Martin smiles and pats the little girl on the head and they continue on.

About three weeks later, he and another member of his clique are again
strolling on Parliament Hill when he sees the little girl again with the
same basket. Martin says to his colleague; "Watch this, it's very cute" and
they approach the little girl. Martin asks the girl how the kittens are
and she says fine. He then says"What kind of kittens are they?" and she
replies,"Conservatives"

Somewhat abashed, Martin says, "Three weeks ago you said they were
Liberals!"

"I know," she says." But now their eyes are open".

[Chipper]

I thought I would revive this Joke thread and see if some of us can keep it going. Its good to fill in time with jokes if there is no hockey to watch. :laugh:

[Chipper]

3 hockey fans were on their way to a game when they noticed a foot sticking out from out of the bushes by the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out.
Out of respect for the lady the Edmonton Oilers fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.
Then the Calgary Flames fan placed his cap over her left breast.
Following their lead the Vancouver Canucks fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived he conducted his inspection.
First he picked up the Oilers hat,replaced it,then took down some notes.
Secondly he lifted up the Flames hat,replaced it,then took down some more notes.
Lastly he lifted up the Canucks hat,replaced it,then lifted it again and replaced it.
Finally he lifted it one more time and replaced it.
Meanwhile the Canucks fan was getting upset and finally asked "what are you,a pervert or something?" "Why do you keep lifting and looking"?
"Lifting and looking" the officer asked in bewilderment?
"Well", said the officer,"I'm a little confused because when I normally look under a Canucks hat,I find an *********!" :lol:

[Jovorock]

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."

[Jovorock]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell.
> He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell,
> and began to redesign and build improvements.
> After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and
> escalators.
>
> Everyone grew very fond of him.
>
> One day God called Satan. "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
> asked God.
>
> Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and
> flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
> is going to come up with next!"
>
> God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake.
> He should never have gotten down there in the first place.
> Send him back up here."
>
> "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer,
> and I'm keeping him."
>
> God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
>
> Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right.
> And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[langdak]

While attending a Maple Leaf game this guy notices another guy with a dog at his side.To his amazement he notices that everytime the Leafs score the dog does a somersault.Again the Leafs score and again the dog does a somersault.This goes on 3 or 4 times until he finally just can't stand it anymore and has to ask this guy why his dog does a somersault everytime the Leafs score.So he gets up and goes over to where the guy with the dog is sitting and says:

"Excuse me sir,I have a question about your dog.I noticed that everytime the Leafs score a goal your dog does a somersualt.Why is that?"


The guy with the dog replies:

"I know,it's wierd,I have no explanation.Everytime the Leafs score he does a somersault."


First guy then says:

"What does he do when the Leafs win?"

The guy with the dog replies:

"I don't know,I've only had him 10 years!!!"

[Jovorock]

First guy then says:

"What does he do when the Leafs win?"

The guy with the dog replies:

"I don't know,I've only had him 10 years!!!"
Yeah and we won't know for another 10 years. :clap:

[langdak]

Yeah and we won't know for another 10 years. :clap:


lol my sediments exactly :groovy:

[HAF]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some
>>cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
>>noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
>>
>>Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
>>the table and emerged red-faced.
>>
>>Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
>>followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
>>
>>Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he
>>did.
>>
>>She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking
>>a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs
>>of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
>>
>>She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John
>>doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
>>
>>When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp
>>and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
>>closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
>>
>>As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house,
>>asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
>>
>>With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
>>minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
>>curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
>>
>>In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
>>her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
>>
>>Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
>>"Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and
>>borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
>>afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
>>
>>Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

[C.F]

3 tomato's were walking across the street. A father tomato, a mother tomato, and baby tomato. The baby tomato was falling behind, so the father tomato squished him and said "ketchup".

Gotta love Pulp Fiction. ;)

[Flathead]

The media and fans picking the Roughriders to win the West!!! LOL. I love the Green and White and will continue to cheer for them. Why did we do good last year, because Nealon wasn't at the helm. Getting rid of Burris was our biggest mistake in years.

[Tiger Trauma]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

[Jovorock]

Hillbilly Mirror
> > > >> >After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky
> > > >> >all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the
big
> > > >> >city.
> > > >> >In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
> > > >> >Not knowing what it was, he remarked,"How about that!
> > > >> >Here's a picture of my daddy."
> > > >> >He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he
> > > >> >remembered his wife,Lizzy,didn't like his father. So he
> > > >> >hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving
> > > >> >for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
> > > >> >Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips
> > > >> >to the barn.
> > > >> >One day after her husband left, she searched the barn
> > > >> >and found the mirror.
> > > >> >As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's
> > > >> >the ugly (b)witch he's running' around with."

[Triton]

This guy goes to the bar,spends quite a while there,and starts on his journey home.As he's walking home pissed drunk,he pukes all over himself,ruining the new shirt the wife had bought him.The wife finds out and goes bazerk,telling him to that if he comes home again full of puke..she's gone.So he goes back to the bar the next week,while sitting in the bar for a while he tells his friend that he has to ease up on the booze fearing that he'll ge sick all over himself and his wife will leave him.The guy comes up with an idea that if he put a 50 dollar bill inside his front shirt pocket and he pukes he'll tell his wife that his buddy puked on him and gave him the 50 for dry cleaning.So he places the 50 in his pocket...continues to drink and pukes.So he returns home later that night and the wife is fuming,he says..no,no my friend got sick on me and gave me a 50 for the cleaning,check my pocket then.So she does and there is the 50..along side another 50.The wife asks,how come there are two 50's in here she says.The husband replies..oh thats cause my friend also crapped in my pants on the way home.

[Jovorock]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners
asks the students, one by one -
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have
to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and
impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the
bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's
still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence
for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend
of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted..

[Triton]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners
asks the students, one by one -
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have
to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and
impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the
bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's
still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence
for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend
of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted..

Thats an awesome joke..loving it..

[Jovorock]

Thats an awesome joke..loving it..
Say hello to my little friend. :laugh:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan R.C.M.P.
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,she said,"I bet your are going to sell me a ticket to the R.C.M.P. Ball.

"He replied, Ma'am, Saskatchewan R.C.M.P. don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and drove off. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[Courtney08-]

Sorry if any one is blonde and takes offence to these jokes
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
"I need you to come over here, I need your help"
Boyfriend"Why, hunny what is it"
Blonde "Im doing this jigsaw puzzle and i cant figure it out"
Boyfriend "Whats it suppose to be?
Blonde looks at the box
Blonde replies"from the cover of the box it looks like its suppose to be a tiger"
Boyfriend"Okay i'll be right over"

Boyfriend arrives looks at the table, and sighs.. "Hunny you'll never be able to complete this puzzle, you just cant"
But the blonde was very determined
Boyfriend, "hunny, just sit down and relax, While I put the Kelloges Corn Flakes Back in the Box"
hehe

[Jovorock]

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale



Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?".



The girl said, "No!".



And the guy lived happily ever after. And went fishing, hunting, played golf a lot, and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.



THE END

[nivek_wahs]

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[IR GARD]

After 5 years of marriage, this couple was at home one night talking about what they would like to improve on their bodies, for one another.

The wife said to her husband, "Honey, for you, I would like to have bigger breasts for you!"

The husband replied, "Really, I know how you can do it too, It's just like magic!!"

"How can that be done?", she asked.

"Well, first you get some toilet paper and then you bunch it up into a ball. Then 3 to 4 times a day you take that toilet paper and you rub it between your boobs", the husband replied.

The wife responds, "That is impossible, How can that happen?"

The husband calmly stated, "Well honey, it worked on your a** (bum)".

:thumb:

[HAF]

Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up like fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Johnny was being uncharecteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his father.

Johnny said "My father is an exotic dancer at a gay bar and takes all his clothes off in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true about your father?"

"Well, not really" said Johnny, "he plays for the Vancouver Canucks, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[Triton]

Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up like fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Johnny was being uncharecteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his father.

Johnny said "My father is an exotic dancer at a gay bar and takes all his clothes off in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true about your father?"

"Well, not really" said Johnny, "he plays for the Vancouver Canucks, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."


LOL..too funny.

[Jovorock]

LOL..too funny.
Hey that's not funny at all!

[Jovorock]

Scotsman at the Ball Game.
> >
> > A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
> > The first batter approaches the batters' box,takes a few swings
> >and then
> > hits a double.Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run"!
> > The next batter hits a single.The Scotsman listened as the crowd
> >again
> > cheered "RUN,RUN!"
> > The Scotsman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.
> > The fifth batter came up and four balls went by.
> > The Umpire called "Walk."
> > The batter started his slow trot to first base.
> > The Scot stood up and screamed," Rrrrun ye lazy bastard,rrrun!"
> > The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed,the Scot sat
> >back down.
> > A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and
> >explained,"
> > He can't run--he's got four balls."
> > The Scot stood up and screamed," Walk with pride, laddie,walk
with
> >pride."

[HAF]

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day
he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept
over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[nivek_wahs]

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day Cuddles, the poodle, started chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovered she was lost. Wandering about, she noticed a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thought, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep human do do now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settled down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the old poodle exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halted his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror came over him and he skulked away into the trees.

"Whew," said the leopard "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he went, but the old poodle had seen him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something not good must be up.

The monkey soon caught up with the leopard and, sure enough, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thought, "What am I going to do now?" but with no time for running,the dog sat down with her back to her attackers and pretended she hadn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle said out loud, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Kevin

[Tinner]

The Iraqi Hockey Player

Toronto coach Pat Quinn sends scouts out around the world
looking for a new centre to hopefully help win the Stanley Cup
for Toronto.

One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi centre who he
thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So, Pat flies to
Iraq to watch him play and is suitably impressed and arranges
for him to come over to the NHL.

Two weeks later,Toronto is down 4-0 at home against Montreal
with only 8 minutes left. Pat gives the young Iraqi centre the
nod to go on, and he puts him on in place of Sundin.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 8 minutes and wins
the game for Toronto. The fans are delighted, the players and
coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When he comes off the ice, he phones his Mum to tell her about
his first day in the NHL. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I
played for 8 minutes today, we were down 4-0 but I scored 5
goals and we won. Everybody loves me; the fans, the players
and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your
father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped
and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters,
while you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say, Mum, I'm so
sorry".

"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your damned fault that we moved
to Toronto in the first place!"

[nivek_wahs]

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying the plate.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "you have your hand on my steak!"

"What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

:rolleyes:

[nivek_wahs]

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the referees."

:laugh:

[HAF]

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
>> >
>> > A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
>> > subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she

>> > made for the ice.
>> >
>> > After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
>> > circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
>> > "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>> >
>> > Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos
>> > of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the
>> > heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>> >
>> > The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end

>> > of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut

>> > her hole.
>> >
>> > The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>> >
>> > She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
>> >
>> > The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

[TheBrass]

Q: What's the difference between oooh and aaah?

A: About 3 inches

[Dwight Schrute]

Why men are happier
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is
just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can do your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to
the men who will enjoy reading it.

[J23]

Why men are happier
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Sooo true!! I'm off to Las Vegas on Sunday and I've got one big giant suitcase... so far. I'm sure I'll have to add another one before I'm finished though haha :laugh: :rolleyes:

[HAF]

"The Salesman"

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big
everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience ?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How
much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64 ! What the hell did you sell ?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't
think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he
was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down
to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says,
"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.

[Dwight Schrute]

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing
the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying
to breathe.

[Tiger Trauma]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

groan

[HAF]

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." "And what can I get for
you,
Mr. President?" George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight
grin,
"How about a
quickie this morning?" "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How
rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! '' As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush
and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."

[nivek_wahs]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." :clown:

[HAF]

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He
Slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and
those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
Rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[HAF]

Dream Job

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. Hemarches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bull***tting me!" The social worker says,"Yeah, well, you started it."

[HAF]

Canadian Blonde's Meaning of Easter.
Three Canadian blondes died and
>found themselves standing before St.
>Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they
>had to tell him what Easter represented.
>
>
>The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big
>feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
>St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
>
>The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
>exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to
>Hell.
>
>The third said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with
>the Jewish festival of Pass over. Jesus was having Passover feast
>with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans
>arrested Him.
>The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
>buried Him in a tomb
>behind a very large boulder ..."
>
>St.. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
>
>Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the
>boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
>weeks of hockey."
>
>St. Peter fainted

[Kristi]

(You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!)

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I
want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

[HAF]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never
felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my
child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter
and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was
in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
of his gun.

When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two
shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[HAF]

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Also, three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below...


MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints -
15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ..... and watched what happened.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here

[Giants'r'us]

A 'bad' joke from the radio yesterday:

A buddhist monk was driving in his car, when he hit a bump and spilled his coffee on his lap. At first, he was rather upset, but after a moment, he realized it was simply a case of bad car-mug.


:laugh:

[nivek_wahs]

Rules of a "True" Guy

Rule 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule 2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment a sexy actress starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

Rule 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

Rule 4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Rule 5: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

Rule 6: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

Rule 7: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

Rule 8: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the you-know-whats.

Rule 9: Unless you're in prison, never fight partially clothed or naked.

Rule 10: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.

Rule 11: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Rule 12: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

Rule 13: Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

Rule 14: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Rule 15: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

Rule 16: Thou shall not buy a car or motorcycle in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

Rule 17: There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Figure Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

[HAF]

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The
Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they
really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.

[CHtoo]

Subject: The nature of hell

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The
answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and
heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which
souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more
than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day
in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account
the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary
of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains
why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

[HAF]

Subject: The Firefighter
>>>
>>> A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
>>> notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
>>> ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
>>> middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
>>> pulled by her dog and her cat.
>>>
>>> The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a
>>> nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the
>>> girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl
>>> has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
>>> "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you
>>> how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
>>> collar too, I think you could go faster."
>>>
>>> The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then
>>> I wouldn't have a siren."

[nivek_wahs]

When a woman wears leather clothing,
A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally?

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new truck!

:p

[langdak]

Doctor's Receptionist


This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my ****," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "What's wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

[nivek_wahs]

Texas Cowboy and Oklahoma State Trooper...

A Texas cowboy gets pulled over by a Oklahoma State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's arse?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's arse." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[nivek_wahs]

Science says "Lord we don't need you anymore"

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,"Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..."replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting, show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

[rinkrat]

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[GBG BLEED BLUE]

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

[nivek_wahs]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

[nivek_wahs]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90!"

[nivek_wahs]

Late Night Discussion...

Husband: Oh, come on.

Wife: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm Hot.

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please...come on

Wife: Alright, I'll do it.

Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Wife: I can't find it.

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Wife: Is it up far enough?

Husband: Oh, that's good.

Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

:D :o :p

[rinkrat]

An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is traveling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.



The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention,

asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.



This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash

out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.



She asks him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he tells her.

"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, ".........so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What number?" "Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams,
"but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

[nivek_wahs]

I received this and I thought it was pretty funny/or not :p

Why I fired my secretary---

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we?

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked. :o

[HAF]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
>
>1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
>boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
>instantly removed.
>
>2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
>someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>
>3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by simply
>using the sink.
>
>4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few
>minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
>
>5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
>rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
>
>6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
>be
>too afraid to cough.
>
>7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
>about the toothache.
>
>8. Chapped lips? Rub chicken poop on them. It won't ease the chapping, but
>it will keep you from licking them.
>
>9. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.
>You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
>should,
>use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
>
>And finally .. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>One out of every four people suffer from a mental disorder. If you have
>three friends, and none of them have a problem -- well ..... you do the
>math!

[rinkrat]

A PERFECT DIET!



I have a Labrador retriever.
I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

[3rebels]

So the other night my buddy and me are talking and he says:"I went to the circus the other night and got attacked by a gang of clowns."
I was shocked and asked him what he did.
He said he went for the juggler !!

Doe anyone know the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts???

Beer nuts are a buck - fifty
and deer nuts are under a buck !!

[Tinner]

Artie Davidson (inventor of the Harley) died and went to heaven.

Upon his arrival, he was greated by St. Peter and given one wish because he was a good man.

His reply was to meet and hang around with God. His wish was granted.

He met with God and God asked "are you the man that invented the Harley"

"yes" he replied and then God said to him. "when you invented the Harley, you made me build many miles of roads, the bike itself was unstable, it wobbled at high speeds and was hard to stop".

upon hearing this, Artie had a few suggestions for God, he said. "when you invented the woman, she was hard to stop, had uneven protursions out front, we men have had to go down a straight road and the exhaust was put to close to the intake"

God agreed that there were a few flaws, but according to statistics, there were more men riding his invention that Arties.

[GBG BLEED BLUE]

A man was walking through the forest and then he crosses paths with a Big Black Grizzly Bear,and the man goes on one knee and asks God "Dear God please save me from this bear",and then the bear takes a knee as well and says to God" Dear God please bless this meal that I am about too have" :laugh: :laugh:

Note: I am writing this joke off of my memory,and therefore some parts are probably left out.

[Blades 4 Life!]

Hey mike didn't you get that joke from someone off the Calgary trip. I forgot who told us that but that was a funny one. good memory there Mike.

[GBG BLEED BLUE]

Hey mike didn't you get that joke from someone off the Calgary trip. I forgot who told us that but that was a funny one. good memory there Mike.
Yes I did hear that on the Alberta trip,in fact it was the President of the Booster Club that told that joke.....those trips are a blast,I would like to go on ALL of the trips next season. :thumb:

[ointhecreek]

Ted the trucker was driving his truck through Swift Current one evening and came across a sign next to a fine dining establishment that read:" Special today- Lobster tail and beer." Well, says Ted, I'll have to make a stop. Thats my three favorite things! punk rock

[Swando]

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed.

Just minutes later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

[Swando]

One morning, being in a huge hurry I rear-ended a car at a stop light
because I was not really paying attention.
I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late.
"Great, just great", I muttered.
The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at me.
He was a dwarf.
He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I
rolled down my window.
He said, "I'm not happy"...
To which I replied, "Well..... Which one are you then?"

[rebel]

whats the difference between the calgary flames and a bra........... a bra has two cups punk rock

[Tidball]

Why did the blonde bring a car door with her during her hike in the desert?
Cus if it gets hot, she can roll down the window
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you know Hellen Keller had a dog? "no"
niether did she
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why cant Hellen Keller drive?
Cus shes a woman
-------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Cus Burger King didnt wrap his Whopper
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Where do people with 1 leg work?
IHOP

....Thats all i got for now.

[Tidball]

What do you call a Cow laying on the ground?
Ground Beef!

[vonzipper]

Pretty Good Jokes Here :bounce:

[patsdude114]

Ted the trucker was driving his truck through Swift Current one evening and came across a sign next to a fine dining establishment that read:" Special today- Lobster tail and beer." Well, says Ted, I'll have to make a stop. Thats my three favorite things! punk rock


I think there is something wrong with this joke..... there is no fine dining in swift current... thats what makes this joke so funny

[3rebels]

Oh, come on now. As every Canadian trucker knows, you have a "fine" Husky house !!lol

[Bare Bear]

It seems there was this old lady that went to the doctors office for an appointment. She had the typical chit chat for a few minutes till she finally blurts out, "Doctor, I seem to be farting, like all the time. They are the silent ones and don't stink at all but it is bothersome to me As a matter of fact, I must have cut loose about ten of them since I got here". The doctor nods knowingly and gives her a prescription and requests that she come back in a week. A week later she comes back and just shrieks at the doctor, What have you done? Now every time I cut one, it stinks so bad that my eyes water. The doctor say "great, we cleared up your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing problem".

[Bare Bear]

Q. What is the difference between love and lust?

A. About five minutes

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

A. It's not mine!

[3rebels]

New concept in a Grocery Store!!
Sense of Freshness....

A new supermarket opened in OKLAHOMA CITY, OK.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.






I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
punk rock

[RDRebelsfan]

a lot of the jokes I know are kind of racist, so I'm not sure I want to post any here, some may not take to kindly to them. So here's one not racist:

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and sit down. A bartender comes over and says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here.

[negli99]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

[Bare Bear]

I just got back from a conference of the paranormals. At the end of it, the girl asked, "has anybody here seen a ghost"? About half of the hand went up. Then she asked "has anybody here ever spoken to a ghost? Half of the hands went down. Then she asked "has anybody ever had sex with a ghost? Then only one hand remained. She looked flabbergasted,,,, you had sex with a ghost???? Hey sez.... sorry, I thought you said goat!

[armypower]

What do a Gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common???

They can both smell the pie but they can't eat it!!!!!!

[eighty]

What do the Leafs, Raptors, Blue Jays and Argos have in common?

None of them can play hockey.

[Link Dog]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwoielfZnCU
LMAO!!!

[HURRICANE'S ROCK]

ALBERTA Judge makes unprecedented ruling. Another case of truth being stranger than fiction...

EDMONTON, ALBERTA (CP) -A seven-year-old Edmonton boy was at the center of an Edmonton city courtroom drama yesterday when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy alleged they had also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to theEdmonton Oilers, whom the boy and judge both firmly believe are not capable of beating anyone.

[jmr]

What do you call 46 guys on a chesterfield watching the Grey Cup? The Calgary Stampeders

[lordstanley]

ALBERTA Judge makes unprecedented ruling. Another case of truth being
stranger than fiction...

EDMONTON, ALBERTA (CP) -A seven-year-old Edmonton boy was at the center
of an Edmonton city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court
ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
alleged they had also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Edmonton
Oilers, whom the boy and judge both firmly believe are not capable of
beating anyone.http://www.network54.com/Forum/40684/message/1264195280/not+whl+related++++edmonton+oilers

[Arthur Fonzerelli]

That's great, kinda warped, but hilarious none the less.

[quackhead]

What do the Leafs, Raptors, Blue Jays and Argos have in common?

None of them can play hockey.

You forgot about the Marlies :)

[EOK1]

Brandon's debut at the Memorial Cup.

[DunnerStunner]

Brandon's debut at the Memorial Cup.

i normally dont like your posts EOK1, but i like this one

[HURRICANE'S ROCK]

A Guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... How about those Leafs?

[nivek_wahs]

A Guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... How about those Leafs?:haha:

[WestLEAFfan]

:haha:

I fail to see the humor in that!!! :burningmad:

[GBG BLEED BLUE]

I fail to see the humor in that!!! :burningmad:

It is ok there will be a day when ALL Leaf fans can be proud of their team, I hope this day comes sooner than later!!!

[Bare Bear]

It seems that this fellow was on the beach and found a little bottle. Well he was rubbing the bottle to see what it was and lo and behold out pops a genie. After thanking the man she offered him but one wish to which he replied, "I want to live forever"! She says but come on, you know I can't do that. He thought and thought and finally declared "I want to live until the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup!) The genie rolls her eyes back and says, "Cagey little bugger aren't you?":D

[Guy-10]

What do Toronto Maple Leaf fans have that Montreal Canadien fans will NEVER have ???
B+W photos of their last Stanley Cup parade !!!


What is the ONLY differance betwenn American and Canadian hockey???

Its not considered a MIRACLE when we win GOLD!!!!

[dangledyou]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost £30, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said..

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused..

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well .... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively said .....





"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

[3rebels]

A guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game here? My cable is out, and my dog and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, dogs wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but it's not very busy right now, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave."

The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon, the Leafs manage to score a goal and the excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high-five.

The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do when the Leafs win a game ?"

The guys answers, "I have No Idea, I've only had him for 10 years."

:D

[3rebels]

What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common?

A: They both look good until they hit the ice.

What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs
and a cigarette vending machine?

A: The vending machine has Players!

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common?

A: They both get totally confused when surrounded by ice.

Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post?

A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver!

Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team?
A: Because then Toronto would want one...

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Argonauts and the Toronto Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto ?
A. None of them can play hockey.

What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching
the Stanley Cup Playoffs?
A. The Toronto Maple Leafs.

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and Billy Graham have
in common?

A. They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.

How do you keep the Toronto Maple Leafs out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal net.

What do you call a Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley
Cup ring?
A. A thief.

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a
Stanley Cup?
A. Nobody knows ... And we may never find out
:rolleyes:

[WestLEAFfan]

^^^Oh you are just hilarious?!?^^^ :burningmad:

[RDRebelsfan]

An armless, legless girl is laying on a beach, crying. A man walks by and asks her "what's wrong?"

The girl says "In all my life I've never been kissed."

So the man kneels down and kisses her, gets up and walks away.

This time, she starts crying, only more louder. He comes back and asks "Why are you crying this time for?"

And she goes "In all my life I've never been ****ed."

So the man picks her up and tosses her in the ocean and goes "you're ****ed now!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is in a bar, and is drunk and pukes all over his shirt. He goes to the bartender and says "I puked on my shirt, if I go home and my wife finds out she'll kill me."

So the bartender says "relax, here is what you do, you take this $10 bill, stick it in your pocket and say someone puked on you and gave you $10 to get your shirt cleaned."

The drunk asks "will it work?"

Bartender says "trust me it will"

So the drunk goes home, and says to his wife "I was at the bar and someone puked all over my shirt, but gave me this $10 bill to get it cleaned."

So he pulls out the bill and shows it, and his wife goes "That's a $20 bill..."

To which the man replies, "Oh yea I forgot, he also **** in my pants."
============================================

A man comes home to his wife he goes "Honey, pack your bags I just won the lottery."

She goes "what should I pack?"

He says "I don't care, just pack and get the **** out!"
==========================================

Dracula walks into a bar, and orders a cup of hot water. He takes out a tampon and starts dipping it in the water. The bartender asks "What are you doing?" Dracula says "I'm making tea."

=============================================

[3rebels]

I was talking with my 14 year old grand-daughter on the phone (hands free) and being as Memorial Day was on the Monday and she lives in the U.S, I asked her what was the next special day coming up. She relied " Oh, Bubba, that's Memorial Day!" And I said. "What's so special about Memorial Day?" She replied, " That is when President Barack Obama steps out of the White Hosue and if he sees his shadow, we get 2 more years of unemployment and stupidity!"
I almost snorted my coffee!!
:groovy:

[Link Dog]

The biggest joke ever: The Saskatchewan Roughriders!

[PJ Awesome]

The biggest joke ever: The Saskatchewan Roughriders!

Really?

[Link Dog]

How about this one. Which CFL team has the fewest Grey Cup championships? The Saskatchewan Roughriders!

[PJ Awesome]

:clap:

[PJ Awesome]

Ok, maybe the Rider's are now a joke.