Does anyone have any real good jokes they wouldn't mind sharing with us?I'd love to hear em.
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Does anyone have any real good jokes they wouldn't mind sharing with us?I'd love to hear em.
You wanted it here it is : how to get out of a traffic ticketQuote:
Originally Posted by canadian eh
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
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Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. Bartender goes, "We don't serve breakfast here."
Hockey Terms
Blueline-- Mark on ribcage from leaning over bar, replaying game.
Redline-- Mark on new sweater from leaning over Wet Paint sign at penalty bench.
Net-- The 25% which goes to winner of 50-50 draw.
Zamboni-- Machine used to fill arena with noxious, poison fumes.
Deke-- "The Enforcer"--leads league in PIMs.
PIMs-- Rating system for unskilled players.
Offside-- Hitting on the team owner's daughter.
Pass-- See Offside.
Score-- See Offside--Also see "Traded."
Rink-- Weekend hangout for parents.
Bodycheck-- Test rink boards, glass, for durability.
Slapshot-- Movie poking fun at Canada's national past-time.
Hooking-- What the gal in the thigh-length boots up in Section 14 does for a living.
Shoot-- What religious kids say after missing wide-open net.
#@$%&#-- What religious kids say after missing net in Week 2 of season.
Scoreboard-- Place for annoying company signs and logos.
Europeans-- Skilled players who refuse to watch Coach's Corner.
Play by Play-- Break between TV commercials.
Penalty Box-- Good place for TV close-ups of players mouthing the "F" word at each other.
I have many, many jokes...but unfortunetly, they are all offensive.
Did you about the guy who walked into a doctors office with a frog on his head?
The doctor asks "can I help you"
And the frog says "can you cut this wart off my a** (bum)" ;)
Ok...I actually have a hockey one...
Mario Lemieux, Stevie Yzerman, and Wayne Gretzky were flying to a charity golf tournament. On the way, the plane crashed and they all died.
Up in Heaven, God said to Mario, "So, what did you do that I should let you in here?"
"Well," he began, "I gave my life to hockey, I did it for the fans and for the love of the game, and I gave to charities."
"Okay," God said, "you can come in and sit on my right." So Lemieux sits on God's right hand as He turns to Yzerman and says, "And you, Stevie, why should you come into Heaven?"
So Stevie said, "I too have given my life to hockey, I played my best for the enjoyment of the people, have also give to charities, and I was born in Cranbrook, B.C."
"All right, Stevie, you can come in, and sit on my left." As Yzerman moved to God's left, God turned to Gretzky and said, "And you, Wayne, what have you to say for yourself?"
"Well," Wayne said, "I believe you're sitting in my seat."
Paul Martin is taking a stroll around Parliament Hill with a senior member
of the PMO when he meets a little girl girl carrying a small basket with a
blanket over it.
Curious, he says to the girl; "What's in the basket?". She replies;" New
baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him. " How nice" said Martin. "
What kind are they?". Little girl says,"Liberals"
Martin smiles and pats the little girl on the head and they continue on.
About three weeks later, he and another member of his clique are again
strolling on Parliament Hill when he sees the little girl again with the
same basket. Martin says to his colleague; "Watch this, it's very cute" and
they approach the little girl. Martin asks the girl how the kittens are
and she says fine. He then says"What kind of kittens are they?" and she
replies,"Conservatives"
Somewhat abashed, Martin says, "Three weeks ago you said they were
Liberals!"
"I know," she says." But now their eyes are open".
I thought I would revive this Joke thread and see if some of us can keep it going. Its good to fill in time with jokes if there is no hockey to watch. :laugh:
3 hockey fans were on their way to a game when they noticed a foot sticking out from out of the bushes by the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out.
Out of respect for the lady the Edmonton Oilers fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.
Then the Calgary Flames fan placed his cap over her left breast.
Following their lead the Vancouver Canucks fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived he conducted his inspection.
First he picked up the Oilers hat,replaced it,then took down some notes.
Secondly he lifted up the Flames hat,replaced it,then took down some more notes.
Lastly he lifted up the Canucks hat,replaced it,then lifted it again and replaced it.
Finally he lifted it one more time and replaced it.
Meanwhile the Canucks fan was getting upset and finally asked "what are you,a pervert or something?" "Why do you keep lifting and looking"?
"Lifting and looking" the officer asked in bewilderment?
"Well", said the officer,"I'm a little confused because when I normally look under a Canucks hat,I find an *********!" :lol:
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
An engineer died and ended up in Hell.
> He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell,
> and began to redesign and build improvements.
> After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and
> escalators.
>
> Everyone grew very fond of him.
>
> One day God called Satan. "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
> asked God.
>
> Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and
> flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
> is going to come up with next!"
>
> God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake.
> He should never have gotten down there in the first place.
> Send him back up here."
>
> "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer,
> and I'm keeping him."
>
> God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
>
> Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right.
> And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
While attending a Maple Leaf game this guy notices another guy with a dog at his side.To his amazement he notices that everytime the Leafs score the dog does a somersault.Again the Leafs score and again the dog does a somersault.This goes on 3 or 4 times until he finally just can't stand it anymore and has to ask this guy why his dog does a somersault everytime the Leafs score.So he gets up and goes over to where the guy with the dog is sitting and says:
"Excuse me sir,I have a question about your dog.I noticed that everytime the Leafs score a goal your dog does a somersualt.Why is that?"
The guy with the dog replies:
"I know,it's wierd,I have no explanation.Everytime the Leafs score he does a somersault."
First guy then says:
"What does he do when the Leafs win?"
The guy with the dog replies:
"I don't know,I've only had him 10 years!!!"
Yeah and we won't know for another 10 years. :clap:Quote:
Originally Posted by langdak
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jovorock
lol my sediments exactly :groovy:
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some
>>cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
>>noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
>>
>>Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
>>the table and emerged red-faced.
>>
>>Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
>>followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
>>
>>Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he
>>did.
>>
>>She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking
>>a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs
>>of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
>>
>>She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John
>>doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
>>
>>When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp
>>and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
>>closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
>>
>>As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house,
>>asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
>>
>>With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
>>minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
>>curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
>>
>>In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
>>her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
>>
>>Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
>>"Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and
>>borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
>>afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
>>
>>Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
3 tomato's were walking across the street. A father tomato, a mother tomato, and baby tomato. The baby tomato was falling behind, so the father tomato squished him and said "ketchup".
Gotta love Pulp Fiction. ;)
The media and fans picking the Roughriders to win the West!!! LOL. I love the Green and White and will continue to cheer for them. Why did we do good last year, because Nealon wasn't at the helm. Getting rid of Burris was our biggest mistake in years.
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Hillbilly Mirror
> > > >> >After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky
> > > >> >all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the
big
> > > >> >city.
> > > >> >In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
> > > >> >Not knowing what it was, he remarked,"How about that!
> > > >> >Here's a picture of my daddy."
> > > >> >He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he
> > > >> >remembered his wife,Lizzy,didn't like his father. So he
> > > >> >hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving
> > > >> >for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
> > > >> >Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips
> > > >> >to the barn.
> > > >> >One day after her husband left, she searched the barn
> > > >> >and found the mirror.
> > > >> >As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's
> > > >> >the ugly (b)witch he's running' around with."