Jokes...

[Triton]

Does anyone have any real good jokes they wouldn't mind sharing with us?I'd love to hear em.

[HAF]

Does anyone have any real good jokes they wouldn't maind sharing with us?I'd love to hear em.

You wanted it here it is : how to get out of a traffic ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
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[ScottyWazz]

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. Bartender goes, "We don't serve breakfast here."

[mccabe23]

Hockey Terms

Blueline-- Mark on ribcage from leaning over bar, replaying game.

Redline-- Mark on new sweater from leaning over Wet Paint sign at penalty bench.

Net-- The 25% which goes to winner of 50-50 draw.

Zamboni-- Machine used to fill arena with noxious, poison fumes.

Deke-- "The Enforcer"--leads league in PIMs.

PIMs-- Rating system for unskilled players.

Offside-- Hitting on the team owner's daughter.

Pass-- See Offside.

Score-- See Offside--Also see "Traded."

Rink-- Weekend hangout for parents.

Bodycheck-- Test rink boards, glass, for durability.

Slapshot-- Movie poking fun at Canada's national past-time.

Hooking-- What the gal in the thigh-length boots up in Section 14 does for a living.

Shoot-- What religious kids say after missing wide-open net.

#@$%&#-- What religious kids say after missing net in Week 2 of season.

Scoreboard-- Place for annoying company signs and logos.

Europeans-- Skilled players who refuse to watch Coach's Corner.

Play by Play-- Break between TV commercials.

Penalty Box-- Good place for TV close-ups of players mouthing the "F" word at each other.

[Fight Guy]

I have many, many jokes...but unfortunetly, they are all offensive.

[Tinner]

Did you about the guy who walked into a doctors office with a frog on his head?

The doctor asks "can I help you"

And the frog says "can you cut this wart off my a** (bum)"

[Jovorock]

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."

[Jovorock]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell.
> He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell,
> and began to redesign and build improvements.
> After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and
> escalators.
>
> Everyone grew very fond of him.
>
> One day God called Satan. "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
> asked God.
>
> Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and
> flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
> is going to come up with next!"
>
> God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake.
> He should never have gotten down there in the first place.
> Send him back up here."
>
> "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer,
> and I'm keeping him."
>
> God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
>
> Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right.
> And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[langdak]

While attending a Maple Leaf game this guy notices another guy with a dog at his side.To his amazement he notices that everytime the Leafs score the dog does a somersault.Again the Leafs score and again the dog does a somersault.This goes on 3 or 4 times until he finally just can't stand it anymore and has to ask this guy why his dog does a somersault everytime the Leafs score.So he gets up and goes over to where the guy with the dog is sitting and says:

"Excuse me sir,I have a question about your dog.I noticed that everytime the Leafs score a goal your dog does a somersualt.Why is that?"


The guy with the dog replies:

"I know,it's wierd,I have no explanation.Everytime the Leafs score he does a somersault."


First guy then says:

"What does he do when the Leafs win?"

The guy with the dog replies:

"I don't know,I've only had him 10 years!!!"

[Jovorock]

First guy then says:

"What does he do when the Leafs win?"

The guy with the dog replies:

"I don't know,I've only had him 10 years!!!"

Yeah and we won't know for another 10 years.