An armless, legless girl is laying on a beach, crying. A man walks by and asks her "what's wrong?"

The girl says "In all my life I've never been kissed."

So the man kneels down and kisses her, gets up and walks away.

This time, she starts crying, only more louder. He comes back and asks "Why are you crying this time for?"

And she goes "In all my life I've never been ****ed."

So the man picks her up and tosses her in the ocean and goes "you're ****ed now!"
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A man is in a bar, and is drunk and pukes all over his shirt. He goes to the bartender and says "I puked on my shirt, if I go home and my wife finds out she'll kill me."

So the bartender says "relax, here is what you do, you take this $10 bill, stick it in your pocket and say someone puked on you and gave you $10 to get your shirt cleaned."

The drunk asks "will it work?"

Bartender says "trust me it will"

So the drunk goes home, and says to his wife "I was at the bar and someone puked all over my shirt, but gave me this $10 bill to get it cleaned."

So he pulls out the bill and shows it, and his wife goes "That's a $20 bill..."

To which the man replies, "Oh yea I forgot, he also **** in my pants."
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A man comes home to his wife he goes "Honey, pack your bags I just won the lottery."

She goes "what should I pack?"

He says "I don't care, just pack and get the **** out!"
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Dracula walks into a bar, and orders a cup of hot water. He takes out a tampon and starts dipping it in the water. The bartender asks "What are you doing?" Dracula says "I'm making tea."

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