Does anyone have any real good jokes they wouldn't mind sharing with us?I'd love to hear em.
Does anyone have any real good jokes they wouldn't mind sharing with us?I'd love to hear em.
Last edited by Triton; 02-01-2005 at 05:06 PM. Reason: Type error..I'am a perfectionist.
You wanted it here it is : how to get out of a traffic ticketOriginally Posted by canadian eh
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
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Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. Bartender goes, "We don't serve breakfast here."
Hockey Terms
Blueline-- Mark on ribcage from leaning over bar, replaying game.
Redline-- Mark on new sweater from leaning over Wet Paint sign at penalty bench.
Net-- The 25% which goes to winner of 50-50 draw.
Zamboni-- Machine used to fill arena with noxious, poison fumes.
Deke-- "The Enforcer"--leads league in PIMs.
PIMs-- Rating system for unskilled players.
Offside-- Hitting on the team owner's daughter.
Pass-- See Offside.
Score-- See Offside--Also see "Traded."
Rink-- Weekend hangout for parents.
Bodycheck-- Test rink boards, glass, for durability.
Slapshot-- Movie poking fun at Canada's national past-time.
Hooking-- What the gal in the thigh-length boots up in Section 14 does for a living.
Shoot-- What religious kids say after missing wide-open net.
#@$%&#-- What religious kids say after missing net in Week 2 of season.
Scoreboard-- Place for annoying company signs and logos.
Europeans-- Skilled players who refuse to watch Coach's Corner.
Play by Play-- Break between TV commercials.
Penalty Box-- Good place for TV close-ups of players mouthing the "F" word at each other.
I have many, many jokes...but unfortunetly, they are all offensive.
Did you about the guy who walked into a doctors office with a frog on his head?
The doctor asks "can I help you"
And the frog says "can you cut this wart off my a** (bum)"
Drop the Puck
Ok...I actually have a hockey one...
Mario Lemieux, Stevie Yzerman, and Wayne Gretzky were flying to a charity golf tournament. On the way, the plane crashed and they all died.
Up in Heaven, God said to Mario, "So, what did you do that I should let you in here?"
"Well," he began, "I gave my life to hockey, I did it for the fans and for the love of the game, and I gave to charities."
"Okay," God said, "you can come in and sit on my right." So Lemieux sits on God's right hand as He turns to Yzerman and says, "And you, Stevie, why should you come into Heaven?"
So Stevie said, "I too have given my life to hockey, I played my best for the enjoyment of the people, have also give to charities, and I was born in Cranbrook, B.C."
"All right, Stevie, you can come in, and sit on my left." As Yzerman moved to God's left, God turned to Gretzky and said, "And you, Wayne, what have you to say for yourself?"
"Well," Wayne said, "I believe you're sitting in my seat."
Paul Martin is taking a stroll around Parliament Hill with a senior member
of the PMO when he meets a little girl girl carrying a small basket with a
blanket over it.
Curious, he says to the girl; "What's in the basket?". She replies;" New
baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him. " How nice" said Martin. "
What kind are they?". Little girl says,"Liberals"
Martin smiles and pats the little girl on the head and they continue on.
About three weeks later, he and another member of his clique are again
strolling on Parliament Hill when he sees the little girl again with the
same basket. Martin says to his colleague; "Watch this, it's very cute" and
they approach the little girl. Martin asks the girl how the kittens are
and she says fine. He then says"What kind of kittens are they?" and she
replies,"Conservatives"
Somewhat abashed, Martin says, "Three weeks ago you said they were
Liberals!"
"I know," she says." But now their eyes are open".
I thought I would revive this Joke thread and see if some of us can keep it going. Its good to fill in time with jokes if there is no hockey to watch.
3 hockey fans were on their way to a game when they noticed a foot sticking out from out of the bushes by the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out.
Out of respect for the lady the Edmonton Oilers fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.
Then the Calgary Flames fan placed his cap over her left breast.
Following their lead the Vancouver Canucks fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived he conducted his inspection.
First he picked up the Oilers hat,replaced it,then took down some notes.
Secondly he lifted up the Flames hat,replaced it,then took down some more notes.
Lastly he lifted up the Canucks hat,replaced it,then lifted it again and replaced it.
Finally he lifted it one more time and replaced it.
Meanwhile the Canucks fan was getting upset and finally asked "what are you,a pervert or something?" "Why do you keep lifting and looking"?
"Lifting and looking" the officer asked in bewilderment?
"Well", said the officer,"I'm a little confused because when I normally look under a Canucks hat,I find an *********!" :lol: