Jokes...

[Jovorock]

LOL..too funny.

Hey that's not funny at all!

[Jovorock]

Scotsman at the Ball Game.
> >
> > A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
> > The first batter approaches the batters' box,takes a few swings
> >and then
> > hits a double.Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run"!
> > The next batter hits a single.The Scotsman listened as the crowd
> >again
> > cheered "RUN,RUN!"
> > The Scotsman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.
> > The fifth batter came up and four balls went by.
> > The Umpire called "Walk."
> > The batter started his slow trot to first base.
> > The Scot stood up and screamed," Rrrrun ye lazy bastard,rrrun!"
> > The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed,the Scot sat
> >back down.
> > A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and
> >explained,"
> > He can't run--he's got four balls."
> > The Scot stood up and screamed," Walk with pride, laddie,walk
with
> >pride."

[HAF]

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day
he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept
over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[nivek_wahs]

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day Cuddles, the poodle, started chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovered she was lost. Wandering about, she noticed a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thought, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep human do do now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settled down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the old poodle exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halted his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror came over him and he skulked away into the trees.

"Whew," said the leopard "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he went, but the old poodle had seen him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something not good must be up.

The monkey soon caught up with the leopard and, sure enough, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thought, "What am I going to do now?" but with no time for running,the dog sat down with her back to her attackers and pretended she hadn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle said out loud, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Kevin

[Tinner]

The Iraqi Hockey Player

Toronto coach Pat Quinn sends scouts out around the world
looking for a new centre to hopefully help win the Stanley Cup
for Toronto.

One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi centre who he
thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So, Pat flies to
Iraq to watch him play and is suitably impressed and arranges
for him to come over to the NHL.

Two weeks later,Toronto is down 4-0 at home against Montreal
with only 8 minutes left. Pat gives the young Iraqi centre the
nod to go on, and he puts him on in place of Sundin.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 8 minutes and wins
the game for Toronto. The fans are delighted, the players and
coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When he comes off the ice, he phones his Mum to tell her about
his first day in the NHL. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I
played for 8 minutes today, we were down 4-0 but I scored 5
goals and we won. Everybody loves me; the fans, the players
and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your
father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped
and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters,
while you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say, Mum, I'm so
sorry".

"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your damned fault that we moved
to Toronto in the first place!"

[nivek_wahs]

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying the plate.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "you have your hand on my steak!"

"What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

[nivek_wahs]

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the referees."

[HAF]

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
>> >
>> > A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
>> > subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she

>> > made for the ice.
>> >
>> > After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
>> > circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
>> > "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>> >
>> > Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos
>> > of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the
>> > heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>> >
>> > The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end

>> > of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut

>> > her hole.
>> >
>> > The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>> >
>> > She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
>> >
>> > The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

[TheBrass]

Q: What's the difference between oooh and aaah?

A: About 3 inches

[Dwight Schrute]

Why men are happier
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is
just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can do your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to
the men who will enjoy reading it.