Jokes...

[J23]

Why men are happier
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Sooo true!! I'm off to Las Vegas on Sunday and I've got one big giant suitcase... so far. I'm sure I'll have to add another one before I'm finished though haha

[HAF]

"The Salesman"

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big
everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience ?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How
much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64 ! What the hell did you sell ?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't
think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he
was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down
to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says,
"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.

[Dwight Schrute]

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing
the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying
to breathe.

[Tiger Trauma]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

groan

[HAF]

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." "And what can I get for
you,
Mr. President?" George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight
grin,
"How about a
quickie this morning?" "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How
rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! '' As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush
and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."

[nivek_wahs]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

[HAF]

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He
Slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and
those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
Rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[HAF]

Dream Job

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. Hemarches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bull***tting me!" The social worker says,"Yeah, well, you started it."

[HAF]

Canadian Blonde's Meaning of Easter.
Three Canadian blondes died and
>found themselves standing before St.
>Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they
>had to tell him what Easter represented.
>
>
>The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big
>feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
>St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
>
>The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
>exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to
>Hell.
>
>The third said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with
>the Jewish festival of Pass over. Jesus was having Passover feast
>with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans
>arrested Him.
>The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
>buried Him in a tomb
>behind a very large boulder ..."
>
>St.. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
>
>Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the
>boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
>weeks of hockey."
>
>St. Peter fainted

[Kristi]

(You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!)

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I
want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.