Jokes...

[nivek_wahs]

Science says "Lord we don't need you anymore"

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,"Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..."replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting, show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

[rinkrat]

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[GBG BLEED BLUE]

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

[nivek_wahs]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

[nivek_wahs]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90!"

[nivek_wahs]

Late Night Discussion...

Husband: Oh, come on.

Wife: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm Hot.

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please...come on

Wife: Alright, I'll do it.

Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Wife: I can't find it.

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Wife: Is it up far enough?

Husband: Oh, that's good.

Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

[rinkrat]

An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is traveling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.



The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention,

asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.



This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash

out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.



She asks him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he tells her.

"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, ".........so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What number?" "Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams,
"but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

[nivek_wahs]

I received this and I thought it was pretty funny/or not

Why I fired my secretary---

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we?

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[HAF]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
>
>1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
>boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
>instantly removed.
>
>2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
>someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>
>3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by simply
>using the sink.
>
>4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few
>minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
>
>5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
>rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
>
>6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
>be
>too afraid to cough.
>
>7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
>about the toothache.
>
>8. Chapped lips? Rub chicken poop on them. It won't ease the chapping, but
>it will keep you from licking them.
>
>9. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.
>You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
>should,
>use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
>
>And finally .. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>One out of every four people suffer from a mental disorder. If you have
>three friends, and none of them have a problem -- well ..... you do the
>math!

[rinkrat]

A PERFECT DIET!



I have a Labrador retriever.
I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.